Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The Menopause Sign

I am happy to report that I have not yet entered menopause. 

Not that I expected to, as the doctor left my ovaries in place and intact. But apparently some woman enter menopause after a hysterectomy regardless of the fact that their ovaries are present and accounted for and seemingly healthy. It's an unexplained medical phenomenon. Quite honestly (and I'm all about being honest these days) I think those woman were a little off their rocker in the first place, but that does not leave this you hear me?

So, how do I know that I haven't entered menopause, you ask? (and by the way, when I type the words "enter menopause" I get a visual of a woman walking through an automatic glass door with a sign overhead that reads MENOPAUSE in big red letters. As soon as she passes over the threshold, bells and whistles sound and she is greeted by tens of thousands of women who cheer and celebrate her entrance.) But I digress, I am certain that my ovaries are working properly producing hormones that undoubtedly control my life. I'll give you two good reasons to back up my claim. 

First and foremost, last night after a long day of grazing which included three full meals and far too many sugary snacks for me to count or admit to, I was still on a mission for something sweet. I inhaled the chocolate covered raisins, the Special K bars and then moved on to the left-over Christmas cookies that I don't even like. When that didn't do the trick, I raided the candy drawer and ate Trader Jacques Fleur de sel Caramels three at a time. (I highly recommend those soft, buttery, chewy caramels made with imported French sea salt.). But even though I was bursting at the seams, I didn't stop, hell, I couldn't stop. You'd think that after thirty some odd years of experiencing this each and every month I'd be able to control it or at least see it coming, but it always catches me by surprise. "Why am I eating anything that is not nailed down," I'll think to myself, "Where is my self-control, my pride?" And then it hits's PMS time, buckle up.  

The second sign is my mood and my inability to control my emotions. I hesitate to put words to my thoughts as my daughter and husband might mistakenly think that they are off the hook for this morning's arguments. (Note to Jim: it takes two to tango) and (Note to Maddie: your mother will always be right regardless of her menstrual cycle or lack thereof) and, what the hell (Beck: you somehow managed to stay under the radar this morning, thank you.I strongly recommend that you do the same this afternoon.) There. You've been warned. 

I will try my hardest to keep the eating in check and will apologize to my family for my lack of patience this morning, but I will also celebrate the fact that I have not yet walked under the MENOPAUSE sign. 


Anonymous said...

Glad you are feeling so well...
If I had know I would get the flu for New Year's, I would've gotten rid of my decorations Dec. 26th as well. I finally kicked them to the curb-
You have hit your stride with your non "idol" blogging- I hope you will mix it up a bit once idol starts up again in a few weeks.
Continue to feel well, by the way I think I have PMS three weeks a month- this could be the very thing that will make me look forward to walking through the "M" door, someday.
Not now however!

Karen said...

You make it sound like menopause is a bad thing. I for one say bring it on. I'm ready for the PMS to be over, and all that goes with it. And a menopausal woman I work with said she no longer has to shave her legs. So much to look forward to!

L. said...

Hair loss on the legs: good. Hair loss on the head: not so good. Did your new friend mention that the hair loss is not limited to the legs? How about hot flashes? Did she talk about waking up in a puddle in her own bed? Memory lapses? She probably forgot about mentioning them. Dryness? How about mood swings? I'm talking moodiness that would put the PMS version to shame? This is what happens when you walk under the sign, my friend.

Katie Ryan said...

I also ate old christmas cookies that I didn't even like today. and I went back for a second one.