Monday, February 23, 2009

The Academy Awards: The Day After

So I dreamed about India all night. Those Slumdog millionaires were a very deserving lot. Very gracious and humble and I am glad they brought home so many prizes. I could have done without the Indian singers and dancers, but since the Academy overlooked Bruce Springsteen this year, truth be told, I wasn't going to get excited about anybody's song. 

Ok, so what do I remember of the extravaganza? I remember that there wasn't much star power at this year's Oscars. Those of you who are frequent readers of this blog know how I feel about Jack Nicholson and Cameron Diaz, but at around 11:00 pm, I found myself missing them and that assclown Renee Zelwegger. How about George Clooney; it would have killed the Academy to invite him to present an award?

It started out on a high note with Hugh Jackman. Loved his musical interpretation of the movies. Sure, it was a little more Broadway than Hollywood, and yes it was tremendously awkward watching him sit on Frank Langella's lap afterwards, but he's cute and charming even if I can't look at him without seeing a wolverine, it was still enjoyable. 

The producers changed up the format this year and I couldn't have been more pleased when not one, but five actresses introduced the Best Supporting Actress nominees. Viola Davis was the first to be feted and Viola was clearly verklempt. I thought it was moving and heartfelt and I loved that Penelope Cruz got the nod. While I did not see her performance, on a very shallow note I will say that hers was my absolute favorite dress of the evening. Simply stunning. 

Then the comedy dream team of Tina Fey and Steve Martin took the big stage and I thought to myself, "This is going to be a great show..." Wrong. 

Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black were up next. They had a tough act to follow. And when the cameras panned to Brangelina while Anniston was speaking, it was clear that somebody at ABC thought the nod to the Jennifer vs. Angelina thing would be a boost to ratings. Note to ABC: So. Five. Minutes ago. 

I will not comment on animation, because I hate animation. But I will comment on the fact that Meryl Streel and her daughter were sitting on top of one another throughout the whole show. Literally joined at the shoulders. Bizarre. I know Meryl is fabulous, believe me, I've heard it a million times. I agree, she is a tremendous actor, but she is so taken with herself, there is no reason for me to be taken with her. 

You would have thought by allowing the same actors to present several awards instead of just one, it would have saved time; but the show was still about 2 hours too long. And so when Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black presented yet another animation award - this time for a short film - I started to nod off. I don't know the name of the film or the gentleman who won, nor will I ever see the short animated film....but I loved his acceptance speech. "Sank you, sank you, sank you, domo arigato, Mr. Roboto."

In fact, let's talk about acceptance speeches for a minute. There was not a single good one the whole night. Something tells me that there are a lot of unemployed writers who would have gladly come up with a little ditty for one of the stars. Hell, I bet they would have foregone cash for a mere shout out. Hollywood seems like such a tight knit group of freaks; do you mean to tell me that the guy who is up for Art Direction doesn't have a single writer friend he can call on to help him write a few words? 

Sarah Jessica Parker and Daniel Craig presented the next several awards (that meant absolutely nothing to me). Sarah oozed out of her dress and I could barely keep my eyes open. 

I read that the producers were trying to appeal to a younger TV audience this year. I guess that explains why the vampire from Twilight and the weird looking chick from Mama Mia introduced the romance pictures of 2008. For this old fart, it was a complete waste of time. 

I thought Ben Stiller's Joaquin Phoenix bit was ridiculous. It was one thing to impersonate the dude, but another to roam the stage while Natalie Portman was introducing the nominees for Cinematographer. Rude. And unfunny. But what about the dude from Slumdog who won? He mentioned that he wanted to thank a thousand people, but he just couldn't do it (thank you very much) but clearly his hairstylist would not have been on said list. And were those Crocs he was wearing? Hmm. 

I enjoyed Seth Rogen and James Franco's Pineapple Express-eque tribute to 2008's comedy films but could have done without Hugh Jackman ode to musicals. The wolverine was joined by Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, the weird looking chick from Mama Mia and...Beyonce. Rrreally? Necessary? Does Beyonce have to be at every single event these days? Don't get me wrong, I love me some Beyonce, but I just think she is a little overdone right now. Surely Anne Hathaway could have pulled that number off? And again, I realize that the producers were trying to attract a younger set (at the expense of losing the older set, I guess), but Zac and Vanessa? Rrreally? Disney Awards, yes, but the Academey Awards? I think not. 

Then Heath Ledger wins Best Supporting Actor. One word: duh. 

I swear, I'm starting to nod off again just writing about the show. 

I thought Bill Maher would save me, but his shameless plugs for his own documentary and his plastic looking suit did nothing to revive me last night. I suppose the guy who walks on tight ropes and balances Oscars on his chin is worth mentioning, I guess. 

Here's a question for you: who amongst us can tell the difference between sound editing and sound mixing? Because there are two separate awards, folks. And couldn't they have just given the Foreign Film award to Slumdog, too? It might have saved some time. 

Ok - so let's get to the real awards...

Kate Winslet wins for Best Actress. There's a shocker, huh? And as she makes her way to the stage I am saying out loud, "Please god, make it short and sweet, please DO NOT thank everybody and your mother." And then she gives her father a shout out. While gasping for air. Yes, one again, she' going on. For the love of god, catch your breath and make your damn speech. (I have no use for this woman.) But I am quite pleased that she acknowledges her husband and not her make believe boyfriend Leo this time around. 

And Sean Penn wins for Best Actor. (and for the record, he does not acknowledge his on again, off again spouse). His speech is ok. I was not bowled over. But I am a big fan of Mr. Penn's, and so it matters not what he says in his speech. Although I did love how he acknowledged the fact that he makes it hard for people to appreciate him. 

And the dresses....

Let's start with the worst and work our way up...
  1. Of course Mickey Rourke has to be on this list
  2. As does Philip Seymour Hoffman
  3. Miley Cyrus is hard on the eyes all the time and her dress did not help. Horrible. (and I might add, she thinks she's going to be up for an award next year. Swear. She said that. Wtf?)
  4. I was not a fan of Amy Adams red dress at all. And the necklace was bigger than her. 
  5. Lot of talk about Whoopi wearing a dress. Nobody mentioned that it was Wilma Flinstones' grandmother's dress. 
  6. Angelina Jolie is too cool for school. Hated her green jewels. Too many tattoos.
  7. Marisa Tomei is a wreck. End of story.
  8. I think Reece Witherspoon wore one of her daughter's dress up costumes. Ill-fitting and just plane ugly. 
  9. Sarah Jessica Parker: I am not a fan of the ballet bottom and the oozing boobs on top.
  10. Jessica Biel's dress looked like an origami creation

Best Dressed
  1. Penelope Cruz: stunning
  2. Anne Hathaway: although it would have looked better with a tan.
  3. The entire cast and crew of Slumdog
  4. Taraji Henson looked gorgeous from her coiffed head to her toes. Loved her dress.
  5. Natalie Portman always looks fabulous - loved her pink frock.
I am too bored to write anymore...


Anonymous said...

I think Katie Ryan nailed it in your earlier blog. I'm beginning to think that Brangelina and Jennifer have the same PR. Whenever one's ink starts to fade, they yank out the other to get people's attention to all three! Zzzzz. I found all of the screens a little sickening. Loved Sean Penn's speech. I really am looking forward to Miley Cyrus' acceptance speech next year because, not having seen her film, I'm sure she'll win. It still irks me that Springsteen beat her out of her Globe. Not fair. I also think Hillary Duff deserved the nod for "The Lizzie McGuire Movie".

Cheri said...

Watched part of it, but knew from the get-go that I couldn't hang. And without seeing all the contenders, I was only in it for the glam. I went against the critics and loved Jessica Biel's dress, but could've thrown Miley's into the Salvation Army bin. As my 11-year-old said, "I wonder if she looked in a mirror?" And good Lord -- thanks for mentioning Whoopi. Usually I love her and can forgive the creative bent, but jeez louise. Now that I think about it, I believe she has honestly said that she does not have mirrors in her house. Now I believe it.

Anonymous said...

Ok... I am peeing my pants over the Wilma Flintstone's grandma's dress comment. Dead on! All I could muster was wtf?? Those women were scary. Goldie Hawn looked like her plastic/stoned actress character in the First Wive's Club. Angelica Houston needed to do one of those colonic butt shakes and give up cheeseburgers or wear a bigger dress. And note to Tilda, your hair should not match your skin and your dress.

I didn't see Reese Witherspoon's dress up costume. Did it have planes on it?

So glad Brangelina didn't win.