There Can Be Only One American Idol

What's the moral of the story? America likes their Idols to be humble. He may not be the most articulate fellar, but he is adorable and he is cool and he can sing. And man, oh man, is he humble. America cast 100 million votes and something tells me it wasn't even close (or Ryan surely would have mentioned it). Despite what the judges wanted us to believe, Kris has been a favorite for quite some time. Hats off to Kris...I think he is very worthy of the prize.

It took 2 hours to get through the final...I'll try to do it in a matter of minutes....

As usual, it was too long and drawn out and then too rushed at the end. God forbid we should get to see the winner bask in his glory. (although I did love that hug between Kris and his wife as the show faded to black...)

Ryan starts us off with the judges roast where we are reminded that Randy constantly abuses the English language, Kara is anything but a sweetie, Paula honestly believes that she has a firm grasp of the English language, and Simon doesn't really have a flaw, so the producers come up with a lame-o bit about him being hard of hearing.

First Group Sing of the Night: Pink's So What. It sounds like the Kidz Bop version. Huge cheese factor as we get reacquainted with the Top 13, some of which have no business being on that stage.

Then last year's humble Idol takes the stage singing Permanent. He's dressed like a train conductor and gets a little verklempt singing the song. But he sounds great and he looks great and I'm wondering if he's still dating Kimberly Caldwell? Please, God, no.

Next it's time to give out the awards for the crazies. Outstanding male goes to Nick/Norman and I have to admit, it was kind of funny. Just kind of. The bit could have been shorter, but I did chuckle when the camera panned to Ryan wearing Norman's glasses and headband.

Duet time. First up, Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah singing Cue the Rain. I don't like the song; they are totally out of sync. In fact, they are singing together, but separate. At the end of the song, they don't smile at one another or hug one another or even acknowledge each other's presence. Big egos (and lots of big booty) up there on that stage.

Back from a commercial break we find Alexis Grace and Anoop singing I'm Yours by Jason Mraz. Alexis is very much at home up there on that stage, it's a shame she won't be touring this summer. Enter a shoeless Jason Mraz wearing his peace shirt and epitomizing what it is to be cool.

Buckle up, we're going on a Kris journey to Humble, Arkansas. I like Kris a lot better when he's singing and not talking. He and Keith Urban team up to sing a song about kissing a girl. They sound great together. Kris looks like a natural.

It's time for all the girls to parade out in their Glamorous attire. This song is so 5 minutes ago and I must say, the girls look like a bunch of whores. Enter Fergie, the original butter face (as in: everything looks good....but her face). I am relieved to see that she is joined by the rest of the Black Eyed Peas to sing Boom Boom Pow. During the performance Fergie is replaced by a still Idol logo image - what is Fergie up to? One can only imagine....

More awards for the crazies...Best Attitude goes to Bikini Girl and as she parades across the stage I am pretty sure that she had some augmentation. Loved Ryan's quip, "I was going to ask you what's new...but I think I know." And as much as I despise Kara, I have to give her her props for singing and flashing! She sounded great and has a smokin' hot bod. But I still think she is an awful judge and should get voted off the island...

Next duet is performed by Allison and Cyndi Lauper. They could be mother and daughter and both are singing as if they have marbles in their mouths.

Time to visit the Allen and Lambert camps: Kris' mother could have used some help in the dress department tonight. And, as usual, his father is beaming. And where, pray tell, is his wife? I don't think we've ever heard her speak once the whole season? She was sitting next to them earlier, but seems to have disappeared. Hmm. Adam's parents don't especially like the spotlight (maybe because Adam has always stolen it from them?).

Ok, now I'm starting to get rrrreally bored. And to make matters worse, Danny is singing with Nicole Ritchie's father. Zzzzzz.....

Wake up, it's time to go on Adam's journey. Yes, we know you've been performing since you were 10, Adam. Yes, in the theatre. Uh-huh. He's singing Rock N Roll All Night with Kiss and I think he's finally met his match with the screaming and the pointy tongue thing (not to mention the platform boots).

And they're losing me again with Carlos Santana's Black Magic Woman. Followed by the Steve Martin song with Meaghan and Michael (worst performance of the night.) Then Rod Stewart comes on stage looking old and feeble and a little like Mr. Weasley (Ron's dad) from Harry Potter. He sounds exhausted, but apparently he feels up to touring this summer. Necessary, Rod? I think not.

Now, you knew that if Norman got his two minutes, Tatiana would get hers, too. Her little act is silly and very played.

Is it not time to crown the winner? My clock says 9:55, but no, uh-uh, not yet...next up the boys are going to sing We Are the Champions with Queen. (Hey! Kris' wife is back in the audience next to her in-laws - she was so avoiding Ryan).

Ok, it's finally time...Ryan asks Simon for some parting words. Since he's the only judge who can actually speak English and form a coherent sentence he tells Adam and Kris that they are both brilliant, both unusually nice guys and that the future is all theirs.

And then....Ryan crowns the winner. Kris looks shocked! Kris receives the very first Idol trophy and immediately says that Adam deserves it. Humble until the bitter end. He's not very well-spoken, ok, that's putting it mildly, but he's super adorable and I'm all smiles until....Ryan announces that Kris will be singing No Boundaries. For the love of god...is that absolutely necessary?

So, I'm turning off my TV for the season.....

Laurie....out....