Thursday, January 7, 2010

Baby, It's Cold Outside....

I'm done with the cold weather. I am sick of layering, I am sick of shivering and I am sick of telling my son that he can't wear shorts to school. And if it's going to be this flippin' cold for so freaking long, there should at least be moisture in this arctic air. My lips are beyond chapped, my skin is dying of thirst and my nasal passages feel as if they are lined with scabs (and they very well could be...last week I was doing a handstand at my sister's house which resulted in a nosebleed...all over her rug. Pretty.)

My routine for the past few nights has been as follows: clean up the kitchen after dinner (hot, hot, very hot soup), put on a few more layers (silk underwear, turtle neck, sweat pants, socks) and crawl into bed with a good book (under two down comforters). I realize I am a freak, but my hands, feet and nose get so cold that I'm afraid they are going to snap off. Yes, our heat is on, but our 90 year old house is not up to snuff in the insulation department (proof: walk by any of the windows in the front of the house and feel the north wind whipping through).

So last night I decided to bundle up in my Snuggie and hang out in the den (the warmest room in the back of the house) to watch some TV for a change. Can I tell you what a disappointment that piece of crap Snuggie is? When I wrap myself in a blanket, I expect to feel the weight of said blanket. Not possible with the Snuggie, as it is lighter than a bed sheet. You've seen the ads showing the family wearing Snuggies at the outdoor sporting event? Suffice it to say that those people froze their respective asses off during the game. The beauty of the Snuggie, so they say, is that it gives you the freedom to use your hands. Well, unless you have monkey arms - and when I say monkey arms, I'm talking King Kong - you will not see your hands, your wrists or your elbows unless you roll the thing up at least 3 times. One size fits all is how they advertise...but I think they mean one Snuggie will fit everybody in your household. And the thing sheds like you read about, but don't think about throwing it in the washing machine because it will disintegrate after two washes. Enough with my ranting, I will save my thoughts about the book light (FREE bonus with purchase) for another time.

So, the People's Choice Awards. Really? I love me an awards show extravaganza, but last night's performance was an embarrassment. It was simply painful to watch and so I fast-forwarded through much of the ridiculousness. I can't imagine writing the material for the presenters; it's not easy making unfunny people sound funny, and really, I don't see the reason to make unfunny people sound funny. It comes across as awkward and unbearable as exemplified in that Twilight spoof with Queen Latifah. Ouch.

They lost me right at the beginning of the show when The Proposal won for Best Comedy Movie (over The Hangover) and Mariah Carey won for Best R&B Artist (beating out Beyonce and Alicia Keyes). Not sure who voted, but clearly this is not the show for me. During her acceptance speech, Mariah Carey oozed sex appeal while oozing out of her dress. That woman puts on weight and takes it back off faster than I can get in an out of my Snuggie. Right now, she's sporting a few extra lbs and most of the weight is being carried in her breasts. And she picked the perfect dress to highlight her good fortune. Holy guacamole.

Fast forward, fast forward, fast forward.

It didn't take me long to realize that the show was more like an advertisement than an awards show. We were shown several movie previews and at one point a woman took us inside a CVS to promote beauty products. Weird. Not sure why Maybelline and Clairol couldn't buy some commercial time (probably because they knew I'd fast-forward my way through it).

I stopped at one point to see which actress would win Best Actress in a Comedy TV Show. It wasn't Amy Poehler and it wasn't Tina was somebody named Alyson Hannigan. I don't know her, nor do I know her show. Hmm. Did I mention that I no longer take People Magazine? My BFF, who has been giving me a subsciption for my birthday for the past 10 years, decided I was getting too old for People. I'm staring 50 in the face, folks, and have no business reading about the shenanigans of the cast of the Gossip Girl. But without People Magazine, I no longer have my finger on the pulse of the younger generation...and quite frankly...I did not know a lot of the people who won awards last night. (note to BFF: perhaps you should reconsider).

I found it bizarre that the winners knew that they had won before it was announced on the show. Where's the fun in that? Where is the element of surprise? Sure, I was delighted to see the cast of Glee get up on stage to win their award, but when they announced that they were treating the whole audience to DiGiorno pizza to celebrate their win...and then the wait staff came out serving the pizza...well....I thought that was a little odd. It would have been really cool if the pizza servers were part of the act and the whole bunch of 'em broke out into song and dance like a Glee episode. But that didn't happen. And so I quickly fast-forwarded as I felt my cheeks flush. (not because my Snuggie was warming me up, but because I was so embarrassed for everybody on stage).

I turned the show off at that point and was happy to find that my DVR was also recording Modern Family. Funny, The People's Choice Awards didn't even recognize Modern Family which, in my humble opinion, is one of the best new shows of last year. If you haven't seen it, you need to tune in. Hysterical.

Tonight I'm going to a friend's house for a glass of wine. She hasn't had heat in a few days, so she said to dress warmly. Yeah, I've got the layering thing down pat. I'll bring some wine...and leave the Snuggie.

(By the way...the picture I used for this NOT how the Snuggie looks in real life. I'm just sayin'...)


Anonymous said...

The snuggie sucks!

Anonymous said...

Anything that says "as seen on TV" is a problem.

You are funny.