On two separate occasions today I found myself alone in my house, as I usually am on a random Monday morning, talking out loud. To myself. And no one heard at all. Not even the chair. Seriously, Neil Diamond can get away with this crap, but for me, it's rather alarming.
I was toasting an english muffin, as I usually do on a random Monday morning, but this time I had let it go too long. First glance of the nooks and crannies lead me to believe that it might be ok, but upon closer examination I saw that the muffin was far too charred for my liking. And that's when I heard myself say, "Nope, this thing is not going to cut it."
I'm not talking heard as in my head heard it, but rather heard as in my ears heard it. And it startled me. Because, exactly who did I think I was talking to? I furrowed my brow in disbelief and thought, but did not say out loud, "Did I just say that out loud?" Hmm. I threw away the blackened muffin and toasted another and didn't give it another thought.
Until, that is, it happened again.
A few hours later I was folding laundry, as I usually do on a random Monday morning, when I noticed that I was missing a sock. If I had a dime for every sock that didn't make it out of the dryer alive, I'd be rich, so it came as no surprise. But what did surprise me was that I asked myself OUT LOUD where the sock might be. What the?
It was as if I thought I was talking to the Borrowers. "Um, excuse me, tiny person, did you borrow one of my son's new socks? Cause he'll have a freaking cow if that thing goes missing." No, I'm exaggerating, it wasn't that bad. It wasn't as if I was carrying on a conversation with Mrs. Borrower, I simply said a few words out loud (to no one there. And no one heard at all. Not even the chair.) "Where is that other sock?" And this time...it scared the hell out of me. I have NEVER thought out loud before, so for it to happen to me TWICE in one day is, well, a bit unnerving, to say the least.
What if I slip up and start sharing some of my other thoughts out loud? Thoughts that have no business being shared out loud? That could be ugly. Do you think I'm starting to lose my filter? Everybody is born with a filter and eventually, over time, it starts to wear away. And when it's gone, or almost gone, old people are left filterless and spew stuff that they would never have said in their younger years. But this happens to old people, not people in their 40's. Forty is the new 20, for god's sakes. I should have another 20 years or so before the filter starts showing signs of aging. No?
Perhaps I'm in the early stages, and my filter is short circuiting. How else do you explain it? I can assure you, I'm not talking to myself out of loneliness. I cherish the time I spend in my house alone. All by myself. I love the peace and quiet. In fact, I rarely, if ever, have the TV on or play music when I'm alone with my household chores. So, why did I feel the need to break the silence today? Not once, but twice? It's got to be that my filter is starting to wear out. Wrinkles, thickening of my core, varicose veins, and now the wearing of my filter. Time is not on my side. No it's not. Just as I am not responsible for the bulging veins in my legs, I cannot be held accountable for what spews from my mouth.
I think it's best that my kids finish up at school and hang out with me this summer while I'm toasting my Thomas' English muffins and folding the laundry. That way if I start thinking out loud, I can pretend that I'm talking to them. And not the chair.